I N T R O D U C T I O N

We all feel guilty about something. Survivor and separation guilt, guilt about having fun, about being selfish, ruthless, independent---such guilt is universal. Everyone grows up both wanting pleasure and independence, yet still caring about their attachment to their families of origin. The conflict between our attachments to our families and our wish to grow up and be happy often creates guilt. Even in the best of circumstances, normal development introduces such problems and leads us to unconsciously put a lid on our desires. The solution is to be found in our sexual fantasies.

Women seem to be especially prone to guilt. They are socialized to be sensitive to the needs of their partners, to derive their self-esteem and validation from being "givers" and not "takers," to be objects of desire rather than desiring subjects. This can make it difficult to surrender to the pulse of one's own excitement, to be ruthless. Sometimes the very trait that enhances an emotional relationship undermines the sexual relationship. I have found that in many lesbian couples, there is a special intensity to and emphasis on the empathy and interpersonal sensitivity of the partners. Heightened attunement, however, often causes heightened feelings of guilt and worry, then to a dissipation of sexual excitement. The forces that breed emotional closeness are the same forces that inhibit sexual ruthlessness. Both ruthlessness and empathy are necessary in a healthy sexual relationship. When empathy breaks down, we are left with sex that is mechanical. When ruthlessness is inhibited, we can feel enslaved to the needs of our partner and lose touch with the fulness of our own desire.

Help is on the way, though. Sexual fantasies and preferences arise as elegant solutions to the problems of ruthlessness, guilt, and worry. The following are detailed case studies.

A Rape Fantasy: The Case of Jan

Tops and Bottoms: The Case of Manny

Tied Up In Knots: The Case of Robert

The "Mommy Thing"--The Case of Matt

Voyeurism: The Case of Bob

In a social atmosphere of apparent permissiveness, in which we are being constantly stimulated by images of hedonistic consumption and sexual freedom, it may seem as if guilt is no longer as central to human psychology as it once was. My clinical experience tells me that this is not so. The forms that guilt take might change with time, but the importance of it remains. I would speculate that while conscious feelings of sexual guilt may have decreased historically, as cultural mores have become more permissive, unconscious feelings of guilt, worry, and responsibility for others have not. Sexual fantasies still have an important job to do.